Thursday, January 31, 2008

10 Oscar-Related Questions for Insomniacs

Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan in I’m Not There.

By Mary Lyn Maiscott

1. Could Cate Blanchett play Queen Elizabeth I playing Bob Dylan? If so, would she be nominated twice for that?

2. In choosing the music for Juno, could director Jason Reitman have misunderstood a request by Ellen Page, keeping in character as a pregnant teenager with strange cravings, for moldy peaches?

3. Will Diablo Cody and Ricki Lake start a trend in snarky home births? (Midwife: Just relax into the birthing tub, this is so beautiful and empowering! Pregnant woman: No jet sprays in this thing? Is that the best you could do? Would you send the doula out for cheeseburgers?)

4. Could Bob Dylan in whiteface (he’s done it before) play Cate Blanchett playing Elizabeth? If so, would he get a nominated song out of it—“Virgin Queen Revisited”?

5. Speaking of nominated songs and sequels, can we expect Twice?

6. Has Julia Roberts, of Charlie Wilson’s War, ever stuck herself in the eye with a safety pin? If so, was this a punk thing or a grooming thing?

7. Could Cate Blanchett play Meryl Streep playing a rabbi? Oops, wrong year, wrong medium.

8. Who the hell is Michael Clayton? What the hell is a diving bell?

9. When actor Daniel Day-Lewis and wife director/screenwriter Rebecca Miller converse, is it dialogue? Does this make them scabs?

10. Will there be blood? Oh wait, we know that one—with Johnny Depp around, absolutely.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

So many questions, where to start.
I like oscars, I used to keep them, but they're very difficult fish let me tell you.
There is however, no blood when they nick one another their primitive and fishy one upsmanship, just gouges and floating to the top, like suds on a milk shake.
It's fun to watch them; mine were greenish and black spotted, or maybe I'm confusing them with mollies, but red mollies sort of look like Julie Robert's lips in CW's War.
I've had it with the TV and mega movie screens that make me feel like the incredible shrinking woman in the face of King Kong Day Lewis, his face bigger than my apartment ready to suck me up with a straw!
I can't bear the DEBATES. The hair, the makeup, the red white and blue ad nauseum, and the republican fake tans (except McCain).
But with no writers writing in Hollywood, will the oscars wing it, although fish don't fly, and be all improv and surprising like the super bowl upset of all history?
Will Cate come out at Brett perhaps and sling a guitar at a queen! Bu which queen, PS Hoffman?
Or, or, who can think in this media cacaphony.
I'm working my way through a week on NY Times crosswords. Got Monday under my belt. Next...
But thanks. I never have insomnia. I'll pass this on to those who do!